There have been so many times in my life where I thought I could never be any happier than I was at that exact moment. Like the time I went to Disney World with all of my sisters for the first time, or the time I had my very first boyfriend and we held hands, or when I found out my Momma was finally going to give me a baby brother after living with a house full of sisters for eleven years, or when I was little and we were headed to the beach for a big family vacation, or even when I was in the car with my husband headed to Panama City on our honeymoon. All of these memories were amazing and wonderful and make me feel like the most blessed girl alive because I have the best family any one could ask for. But NOTHING could have ever brought me more joy than seeing those two lines on that little $1.00 test. That morning will always be the best, most joyful morning I have ever experienced. The only thing I have ever wanted more than being married is to have lots of children. That is my calling. I am meant to be a Momma.
We had just started trying to conceive in February and I got the positive in March. It took us one month to get pregnant. That in itself was a blessing and so shocking. I just knew it would take at least four or five months to get pregnant. But God blessed me with motherhood very quickly. I am very grateful for that.
That morning was just like any other morning. I got up and got ready for work. I had been taking tests daily because I just had a feeling I was pregnant. All of the previous tests were saying negative so I just figured this one would be the same. I was brushing my teeth and looked down and couldn’t believe my eyes. I fell to my knees and starting thanking Jesus. I started crying and smiling and laughing and praying and dancing! Ben was asleep and all I wanted to do was run in the bedroom and jump on top of him and scream “I’m Pregnant”!!! But I waited and went the whole day thinking of a way to tell him. He was so surprised and SO happy that evening.
Eight weeks went by with nausea, soreness, fatigue, sleepiness, mood swings and a whole bunch of exciting thoughts. I’m a planner, so I had already started thinking about the nursery, where we would put the bed and the rocking chair. I started looking at strollers and maternity outfits. We talked about our baby at night while we laid in bed. We talked about what he/she would look like, their personality, if they wold be shy like Ben or outgoing like me. We talked about how Christmas was going to be with a three week old. We were ready. We couldn’t wait to be parents.
I went to the Doctor and saw our tiny baby. It was the sweetest ultrasound. I could see the little heart beating and it was moving a little. I was in awe. I was in love.
Later that appointment, though, my nurse explained how the heart was not beating as fast as it should and how my little baby did not grow as much as it should have. They sent me back to the waiting room and I just stared out in front of me. Trying to come up with a reason. Trying to figure out what I did or didn’t do. Trying to make sure I got my dates right. Praying, holding back tears. I tried to distract myself by picking up a magazine but I just stared blankly at the pages. My mind was racing. My baby wasn’t going to make it. I kept thinking that maybe my baby will defeat the odds. Maybe they got the measurements wrong. Maybe the heart just started beating and it will speed up in a day or two. Tears slowly start to fill my eyes. I noticed a few people staring at me, wondering if I was okay. I could barely breath. The nurse called me back and did my check up then I waited on my Doctor. She told me the news that I dreaded. She said that everything was looking like a miscarriage and that my baby had an 80/20 chance of surviving. I was devastated.
I wanted Ben so bad. I needed him. I walked the long walk back to the parking garage. It seemed like it took an eternity to get back to my car. Finally, I bursted into tears when I started driving. It was a very emotional drive home. I was in shock and was trying to get home as fast as I could to be with Ben.
I walked through the door and my sweet husband was doing the dishes. He had no idea what had happened because I wanted to tell him in person. I just walked inside and hugged him, bawling. He asked what happened and I told him that our baby wasn’t going to make it. We hugged forever. Those were the hardest few days I have ever lived. To go from immense joy to intense pain is hard.
We had a week before we had to go back and see if the baby was still alive or not. He/she was not. The heart had stopped days after my previous appointment. I figured since that entire week I had lost all of my pregnancy symptoms.
The Lord is so good to me. He has blessed me with more than I deserve. I got the chance to be a Momma to this precious little baby. Even if it was only for eight weeks. It was the best eight weeks of my life. I got to experience the most insane joy. I wish with all of my heart that this baby could stay with me. But God has a reason. My baby is with Him now! Oh how wonderful.
The Lord has given Ben and I so much peace.
Today I had my miscarriage. I was expecting a painful, vigorous, six hours of cramping but it actually went very smoothly. I had mild cramps for about an hour and I passed the full sac completely intact. I opened the sac up and saw my baby. I could not make out any parts on the baby or see any hands, feet or facial features but I did see my baby’s tissue and the form of a baby’s head and spine. I know that may be gross to some and too much information but I don’t care. That was my baby and I got to see him/her. It was the best gift God could give me. After all the emotions I have gone through the past week, to be able to go through a mild, quick miscarriage was just what I needed. And to be able to have it all happen all at once was much needed.
Now we are focused on the future and what God has planned next. We are so excited about becoming parents to a baby on earth one day. We know God is faithful and He will bless us with lots of babies in His perfect timing.
Thank you so much to every one that prayed for us. It means the world to us! We are so thankful for so many wonderful friends and family.
God bless you all!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9